anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
 flower crown 1
flower crown 2flower crown 3
flower crown 4

I made a thing. Floral wire, floral tape, and four bunches of fake flowers from the dollar store - I followed wikihow’s instructions, but honestly I relied more on crafty instincts honed on a crafty childhood. 

I didn’t use any glue, though I should have - I was being lazy. I didn’t want to fuss around with that part - I just wanted it to come together. The flowers have thus far stayed together, but I might go back and glue them to be more durable. It’s surprisingly light and secure - I put it on and forget about it. It took about three-five hours? I was watching E3 streams so I didn’t really keep track. I used all the flowers I bought, though the final effect is a little over the top? Maybe fewer/smaller flowers next time, maybe some ribbon…

The light was very forgiving outside when I took these pictures. :p

The hard thing is that depression doesn’t stop me from existing, from wanting to create things. Every day lately has been a struggle - this? This is pretty much all I did that day, and while I did this my room went uncleaned. For a moment when I was done I felt happy, accomplished. But people see this and tell me ‘you aren’t really depressed if you can do that, so just be happy!’ and that’s not how it works? But then I don’t feel like sharing because being constantly invalidated is exhausting. But sometimes I have to try anyway? idk.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I've been dreaming a lot recently. I can't recall most of them, just the fleeting impression of images. I wish I could cling to the peace, the stillness of sleepy days. Long, slow days of white-grey skies and rain on glass and the rustling of leaves, wind threading through the open windows. Those days seemed so long when I was long, they are so short now and all I want is for them to last longer. Days for drawing, days for reading, days for listening to music - soft music, with twanging guitars and raw voices.

I miss wind that lasts for weeks, that smooths out the soul.

I'm still tired. I have so much to do, deadline approaching. I don't know what to do.
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Last night I dreamed of wind. Strong winds that rock the mountains, but not harsh winds. Early autumn winds, the ones that strip the leaves from the trees. There was no plot or story, no images or people. Just wind and a... absence of homesickness. I felt at home, with the wind. There wasn't really any thought ether, just wind and home.

I did have a fan running, and it was a bit breezy outside, but that's not quite the same thing. I think... I think I miss the familiar rhythm of the seasons - snow, cold, melt, green, rain, wind, snow. It's been 'hot' for so long that I'm ready for the wind and rain. Summer lasts too long here, autumn doesn't last long enough.

My energy ebbs and flows. I'm so tired today. I function, mostly, but there's no gas in the tank. No go.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Yooka-Laylee trailer

Final Fantasy XII trailer

E3 is in *checks* let's call it 5 days. It feels like game developers are starting to get antsy. Can't blame them - getting the news out at the right time so it doesn't get drowned out by all the other news is tricky business.

I'm excited. To be honest E3 is all that's getting me through most days right now. It's a link to happier times. I hold on to the good things that can't hurt me.

Thinking about writing blog posts. Bloggy posts, not journaly stuff. One of those 'how hard could it be?' things. Step one - where the hell do I post the result? Here? tumblr? blogger? idk. I just want to get stuff out there, but I'm also mildly terrified of interaction. idk.
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I just need to get this out, because it's crushing me - it feels like acid in my throat.

My entire life I've struggled to hold 'normal' conversations. Every time I put aside my phone/notebook/etc and look at the person I'm talking with it's a very deliberate act. Every single time. I'm not perfect, but I try really hard and rarely am I ever truly not engaging with the conversation.

To be frank, since I moved I've had no one except my mom to interact with in meatspace. Everyone else is mom's friend first, and I'm just the tagalong. 'Don't you have a sister?' you might ask. Well, the last time I opened my door to go down to the bathroom she screamed 'fuck you you whore bitch!' at me so... yeah. About 99% of my meatspace conversations are with my mom.

So it really hurts that lately she's been completely ignoring me. We have breakfast together, because our schedules just line up that way, so it's an hour or so in the morning. During that time she never looks away from her phone, answers only with 'ahuh'(which is her default 'I'm pretending to listen but I'm not' sound), and several times now she's just started watching a video while I was already playing one or in the middle of me speaking.

Like, once or twice everyone has off days? That's fine. But repeatedly all I hear is 'ahuh' or 'I wasn't listening' or 'I don't care'. Every day, except the days I don't say anything at all. It's just... debilitating. It feels like I'm being told I'm not worth listening to, that I don't have anything worthwhile to say or that the things that matter to me don't matter.

And I'm still trying so hard. I'm... angry, I guess? Angry that I don't get even a little bit of the same courtesy back. Frustrated that I can feel my conversation skills getting worse by the day. How am I supposed to have any confidence as a writer? In my ability to engaging an audience, or that anything I have to say is worth saying?
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Today needs some sort of special recognition. One of those little 'you tried' gold stars or something. I hesitate to declare it a good day just yet, but....

-got nine hours of uninterrupted sleep
-woke up before the dogs started screaming at me
-actually feel somewhat rested???
-so far it's been a quiet, rainy day

This is the most centered I've felt in weeks, months really, and it's not really centered just... not not-centered. I could use more days like this. I'm hanging on to this feeling and trying not to think about the inevitable crash that'll come later. Yesterday was an absolutely terrible day, the day before was awful too. I've just had a string of bad days in general - I wonder if the St. John's Wort has stopped having an effect? I'm afraid of what it means if it is working. But yeah, today is an alright day. Maybe taking benedryl and ibuprofen before bed is the trick, and the rain kept the dogs quiet. (It's not science unless you write it down, right?)

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of the day, hopefully without it turning sucky.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
This year I decided I’d make an effort with whittling down my TBR pile, and if you’re going to do that why not start with authors you enjoy? Especially since I actually have all my books in one place for one. (Nothing like having books 1, 2, 3, and 5 in a series.)

Anyway, getting to my point - did Late Eclipses just drag for anyone else? I have a hard time telling if it’s the book or my brain, and like it’s not a bad book at all. The hook is good, but I kept losing interest because it just took forever to get around to resolution and all that came in between felt pretty meaningless and... filler-y. The answers to the mysteries seemed really obvious to me and that just leached out the tension. The main character is confused and annoyed at all the people shuffling her back and forth and trying to murder her and I felt the same, and really all that kept me reading is the desire to get further into the series. Like three - four? - people only wanted to kill Toby because they have poor understandings of causation? Because it was convenient to throw a roadblock into the plot? idk.

Seanan's such a good writer I feel yucky about not 100% liking one of her books, even though I know that's silly.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Still feels like my head is stuffed with cotton batting. I can hardly even stand the thought of cotton batting. I can hardly think. But tomorrow? Tomorrow is going to suck and I need to get my wordcount in today. I will not come this close and not win, that is not an acceptable possibility. But everything is cotton and I just want to sleep.

I hope this is enough. I hope that I'll have enough time and brain power to finish tomorrow.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Just finished my second cup of coffee today, and I'm only now starting to feel somewhere in the neighborhood of aware. I slept over nine hours last time and woke up sore. All I did yesterday was sit at a table at a holistic expo, granted I got up at 7am and only have five hours of sleep the night before.

After noon I was ready to hide in a corner, so of course I had to tend to the table pretty much by myself. Mom said it was the lights that wore me out, and maybe it was, but all I know is I was having serious trouble hearing and it was stressing me out.

I did bring my laptop, and I did write a little - around 1k - there. I did more when I got home, and found the #NaNoHouseCup in full swing. I've got a lot further to go today, and I have to make real progress today because I won't have tomorrow evening. But all I really want to do is play Dragon Age. Later, I keep telling myself. Later.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I did it. I'm caught up. It's been a wild couple of days getting to this point, but here I am. I think I proved something to myself - that I really can do this. I really can't write this much in a day, and it's not a struggle. Because while it took time, it wasn't that terrible a struggle - for the most part the words flowed. The characters lived and breathed.

I started yesterday at 7k behind and with prior appointments. I packed up and ended up typing away in the back corner of a Chuck E Cheese, which I believe tops my two previous contenders for Weirdest Place To Write - the dressing room of a hot yoga studio, and the middle of a psychic shop(with bonus chihuahua lap buddy.) My only internet connection was my phone, but how exactly do I pass up Sailor Moon themed sprints? I don't. I wrote like 3k there.

(Dinner was pho, because St Cloud has a place and the Red Robin STILL isn't open. They haven't even finished with the tyvek. Then we dropped by Barnes & Noble. I got two drinks at Starbucks because the tired barista made the wrong drink at first, and I don't turn down free caffeine/sugar.)

Today it snowed. Gentle little white flakes all day, gathering just a thin layer over the ground. I slept well and woke up before the dogs started nagging at me for once, though the muscles of my left chest are still sore. Wish I knew why. In the afternoon I sat down and gave myself over to writing sprints on Twitter - the NaNoHouseCup is another one. Nothing like fighting for the glory of Hufflepuff! I wrote another 7k, and really settled into who the characters were and what the world they lived in entailed.

Really what helped was reaching the point where I gave no more fucks. The realization, which I have to make anew every time, that I don't have to answer to anyone about anything. These characters had have the kind of relationship I want them to have. It doesn't have to be framed in a sexual way - it came be the sort of sweet and close interaction that I've always wanted from books. I can build whatever sort of world I want, change scenes when I feel like, and infodump to my heart's content - fuck the narrative police. They don't get to read it anyway.

At some point I realized that these characters now live beyond 50k words, that they live beyond a single story. It's more like 'The Ongoing Adventures', which is going to be musing.

I think, I've come to a point where I need to give up trying so hard. I just need to write, for me. No for the outline, not for the story, not for the market or for any audience. That hasn't been working. That's what I mean when I say I want to quit writing. I don't want to quit these worlds, these characters, playing with the elements of their mythology. I want to quit the stress and disappointment. The loneliness. How can I be so lonely, with so many people in my head?

It's time that I get some sleep.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
After a few blah days when life just wouldn't give me a break about it, I finally got a chance to sit down and work on my NaNo. Writing is magical, because even though I sat here for all of it I still don't have a clear idea how I wrote 6k words. But I did, and I'm much closer to actually being caught up.

It snowed today. The first snow of the season. It finally feels like November, like we can actually considering thanksgiving and stuff now. It's been very windy too, and the wind at night is like a lullaby.

Yesterday we had a new fridge delivered. Finally! Food that is cold, and a light to go with it! I'm so happy that I can have hot pockets on hand again.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
The thing about writing is there's this thing that happens, where I don't have any fucking clue what's going on with the direction the story has taken, but I'll still deeply impressed.

Apparently my murder mystery/worldbuilding exercise is actually a story about a stubborn young woman becoming a goddess. Now I have the bones of something I'm actually interested in, which means I might actually get to 50k words this month. I managed to write 2k today, even though I didn't start until nearly midnight.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Somehow I wrote nearly 4,000 words today. I'm not sure how, and I have no clear idea of what I wrote. Stuff. The characters doing things. But I'm closer to actually getting caught up, so that's something. Many thanks to the official NaNo Sprints twitter - once again I would not make it through without them, and apparently fighting for the honor of Hufflepuff can do amazing things for my wordcount.

It's still a bit weird, being three hours off 'normal'. There are whole twitter feeds I don't see anymore.

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. I ended up listening to the first four, or five, or six? episodes of the Black Tapes Podcast. It's exactly the sort of creepy shit I love. Reminds me of the X-files and the Twilight Zone, and of late nights listening to Coast to Coast. I love it, but it did creep me out. I've have a lower tolerance for creepy stuff since the time I got so sleep deprived while watching Marble Hornets that I had hallucinations.

So I got a late start today, my brain elsewhere in creepy land and distracted. Apparently Rita injured Chai. I worry about my red boy. I hope he's ok. I hate that I'm gone from him so much.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
The writing of this... thing(it's not truly a novel. I'm not sure what it is.) is going much better. Still behind, but I'm getting into the hang of pantsing again. I spent most of the day at the psychic shop, with Peanut the Chihuahua curled on my chest and nothing better to do then somehow spend 2k words on the main character walking around the outside of the fortress. Worldbuilding. Worldbuilding is good. Maybe I'll come out of this NaNo with the bones of something interesting. Catching up is still doable. I should at least try to remain positive.

Went to an oracle card class yesterday. Mom is determined to play matchmaker between me and her friend's son. It makes it awkward. She claims to understand that neither of us is looking for any kind of relationship beyond friends to hang with, but I don't think she really does. I feel like she's not listening to me - not respecting my wants or understanding my needs.

Housesitting this weekend. I really hope I can get caught up, though I suppose if I only got caught up in my sleep again then that's alright. I just have to remember - no more video games until I get caught up.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Insert badly drawn gold star with 'not as much of a failure as you could have been' labeled over it in comic sans.

Though really, it's not that bad. I'm back on track, I think. I can't see the track - it's not the track I planned. But that's the danger of not having anybody around to have told me, a month ago, 'you don't sound excited about this story'. I guess I get both the planning and the pantsing badges this year, because while I planned it turns out I'm going to have to pants the heck out of this sucker.

We writers are all, at heart, Mark Watney. Surviving on potatoes. “I guess you could call it a 'failure', but I prefer the term 'learning experience'.”

(I'm tired of learning experiences.)

Going back to the drawing board I dug out the piece of my project that I actually enjoyed - the piece of worldbuilding that had me excited(weather magic! on a grand scale!), and the structure of my main characters and how they interacted with each other. I've ditched the murder mystery. It wasn't interesting me. Now the magic super-storm is center stage, and where it goes from here? I have no idea. All I've got is a super storm, a stubborn weather mage, and an ancient mountain god bumming around for no apparent reason. I'll figure it out. At least the words are moving.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I have to keep reminding myself that taking a few days off here and there is fine. I more than make up for them with high-yield days, and there's no point to beating oneself against a plot tangle that's far better sorted with just time.

Rachel Aaron's 2k to 10k book has been amazingly helpful for my writing in general. Deep outlining a head of time does catch many of the plot tangles that trip me up. I just lost track of time and didn't sort out this NaNo's plot well enough, so this lost time is all on me.

I'm discovering that I'm finding it awkward to write about my characters' eating - mostly regular meals, and especially breakfast. Because I'm in such a bad place with that right now. Some days the line between me and my characters is very thin, and I know what's something I have to work past.

The truth is, I guess, that I'm just not enjoying this story at all and I don't know what to do about it.

I spent the weekend housesitting. I'm disappointed in myself that I didn't get more writing done. I slept, a lot. Maybe I needed sleep.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Some days are effortless, others are like mythological tasks. Today was the later. When will I learn that my family will never respect my writing time? We went grocery shopping today, and of course it's never a clean process. So once again I didn't get to writing until late, after exhaustion and a migraine set in. Still I didn't do so bad, considering I spent much of my writing time falling asleep while sitting up.

Advice - take care of your hands. Paraffin dips are A++.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Today was a wash. Went to visit Grandma, which always leaves me sick both physically and emotionally. It's not a good place to be. (In the last year I've learned that Grandma is not safe or a source of love.) It ate the entire day - got home late, and with a migraine. I just couldn't make anything come out.

Advice - it's hard to remember, but some days the body counts exceeds your word count and that's okay.


NaNo Day 2

Nov. 2nd, 2015 06:07 pm
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I'm getting the hang of this writing thing again. It went more smoothly then I expected, and the story isn't rushing along as I feared. We're not even to the murder mystery part of it, though it's only partly a murder mystery at all. It's also an exploration of a worldsetting, a story of beauty and the beast, and a tale about coming home.

Advice - embrace detail. Adverbs are your friend. If you don't have the exact word for something then describe it. Use the closest word you have. (Maybe you'll find something even better that way.) Tell a story within the story - stories have power, for you and the reader and the characters within the story as well. Letting your characters tell each other stories is how you find out what the story you really want to tell is.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Just finished Dragon Age 2. I'm going to double down on that 'fuck off Anders' statement. I kind of wish I'd known to romance him the first time through because I don't think I can now. At least I can grasp why the hell Loghain did what he did.

Holy hell what a hot mess of a plot DA2 has. All the threads don't so much come together as stumble drunkenly into the same general area. Like, it's great - I love it. 10/10 - will play again. But OUCH.

That final battle though. That was badass. All of my companions, the living statues, Captain Crazypants? Awesome. Kudos to my companions for killing her while she strangled me.


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Jean T

September 2017



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