anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
It's hot - 85 inside, gods knows what outside and I'm not even going to look humidity. All I know is I'm miserable inside, it's worse outside, and we can't afford to turn on the AC. There's no breeze either. At least it's too hot for bonfires... for now.

I made iced coffee this morning. First attempt - too much cream. Attempts will continue.

I almost forgot E3 was this weekend. I find it comforting to sink into the hype for a bit, to wrap up in the slick press conferences and streamed discussions. Makes it easy to forget for a moment that I won't ever play the vast majority of the games. In another life I actually became a gaming journalist.

So this week I had a... revelation. Walking two senior dogs three+ times a day, you end up with a fair amount of time to think while you wait for them to remember to tend to their business, and the thought that came to me was this - I wonder if growing up with an extended family for whom nothing was good enough has ANYTHING to do with why I have so much trouble interacting with online communities. Ya suppose? It's one of those things, being able to look back and say 'that was a really unfair way to treat a child'. Nothing like being held to a high standard by narcissists. I mean that's not the sole reason I treat social interaction of all kinds like hot iron, but it's probably one of the building blocks.

I try not to think about how posting this is technically interacting on a social network. If I did I'd basically have to never touch the internet ever. (Oh hey, a reason I occasionally disappear!)

8tracks playlist of the week : Take my soul
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I just need to get this out, because it's crushing me - it feels like acid in my throat.

My entire life I've struggled to hold 'normal' conversations. Every time I put aside my phone/notebook/etc and look at the person I'm talking with it's a very deliberate act. Every single time. I'm not perfect, but I try really hard and rarely am I ever truly not engaging with the conversation.

To be frank, since I moved I've had no one except my mom to interact with in meatspace. Everyone else is mom's friend first, and I'm just the tagalong. 'Don't you have a sister?' you might ask. Well, the last time I opened my door to go down to the bathroom she screamed 'fuck you you whore bitch!' at me so... yeah. About 99% of my meatspace conversations are with my mom.

So it really hurts that lately she's been completely ignoring me. We have breakfast together, because our schedules just line up that way, so it's an hour or so in the morning. During that time she never looks away from her phone, answers only with 'ahuh'(which is her default 'I'm pretending to listen but I'm not' sound), and several times now she's just started watching a video while I was already playing one or in the middle of me speaking.

Like, once or twice everyone has off days? That's fine. But repeatedly all I hear is 'ahuh' or 'I wasn't listening' or 'I don't care'. Every day, except the days I don't say anything at all. It's just... debilitating. It feels like I'm being told I'm not worth listening to, that I don't have anything worthwhile to say or that the things that matter to me don't matter.

And I'm still trying so hard. I'm... angry, I guess? Angry that I don't get even a little bit of the same courtesy back. Frustrated that I can feel my conversation skills getting worse by the day. How am I supposed to have any confidence as a writer? In my ability to engaging an audience, or that anything I have to say is worth saying?
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Today was a wash. Went to visit Grandma, which always leaves me sick both physically and emotionally. It's not a good place to be. (In the last year I've learned that Grandma is not safe or a source of love.) It ate the entire day - got home late, and with a migraine. I just couldn't make anything come out.

Advice - it's hard to remember, but some days the body counts exceeds your word count and that's okay.

3,521/50,000

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anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Jean T

June 2017

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