anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
It's hot - 85 inside, gods knows what outside and I'm not even going to look humidity. All I know is I'm miserable inside, it's worse outside, and we can't afford to turn on the AC. There's no breeze either. At least it's too hot for bonfires... for now.

I made iced coffee this morning. First attempt - too much cream. Attempts will continue.

I almost forgot E3 was this weekend. I find it comforting to sink into the hype for a bit, to wrap up in the slick press conferences and streamed discussions. Makes it easy to forget for a moment that I won't ever play the vast majority of the games. In another life I actually became a gaming journalist.

So this week I had a... revelation. Walking two senior dogs three+ times a day, you end up with a fair amount of time to think while you wait for them to remember to tend to their business, and the thought that came to me was this - I wonder if growing up with an extended family for whom nothing was good enough has ANYTHING to do with why I have so much trouble interacting with online communities. Ya suppose? It's one of those things, being able to look back and say 'that was a really unfair way to treat a child'. Nothing like being held to a high standard by narcissists. I mean that's not the sole reason I treat social interaction of all kinds like hot iron, but it's probably one of the building blocks.

I try not to think about how posting this is technically interacting on a social network. If I did I'd basically have to never touch the internet ever. (Oh hey, a reason I occasionally disappear!)

8tracks playlist of the week : Take my soul
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Uuuugh. Just ugh. I thought I was sick when I woke up on Saturday -
all my blankets were tossed aside, I couldn't breath and felt clammy all over. Wasn't sick - the weather had just decided it was time to be HOT and HUMID. For one wonderful week we had perfect warm weather and I fucking FORGOT that I currently live in MINNESOTA. I hate humidity, I just hate it - I hate being damp, I hate how it makes the heat so much, much worse. I hate not sleeping well, not breathing... Even Chai fussed at me about it, sat next to my desk and gave me the huge puppydog eyes, because once again my room has the least controlled climate in the house. At least I'm not alone in being miserable.

Admittedly it was less awful today, but doubly miserable because yesterday we went to dinner with my grandma and I guess I forgot about what happens when you have a solid meal after eating the bare minimum for so long. Had a hard time sleeping last night due to stomach cramps, and they're still there tonight. We'll probably have to cut back farther, so I just need to be more careful.

Time is being slippery today. So much to do and it's all so hard to keep track of.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
We had a thunderstorm last night. Thunder rolled directly overhead, roaring and growling in long drawn out songs.

Yesterday was rough - I woke up with pain and low energy and a long to do list. I slept badly due to the strong urine smell, which meant priority #1 was cleaning the carpet, which meant I had to vacuum first. Cleaning the room of course equals taking a shower, which I'd previously promised I'd wash Belle the next time I took a shower. Add in needing to change a headlight on the car...

I fell asleep as soon as I laid down. I still remember listening to the thunder, though I'm not sure if it woke me up completely or I just came up to a lucid state. It was strangely soothing, comforting...

The air smells great today - ozone and rain and sap, the trees have started to green up the last couple of days. Finally. The soil must be colder by the lake, or maybe it's the wetness. Unfortunately it's tipped over to hot and humid and all that's yucky.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
The air outside was warm today. It smells of rain and sap, the verge of summer. Woke earlier to the hum of a mower and drifted in sleep for a few hours, until ups delivered our new tv - the old one, the one I got from a friend, finally decided to die properly by adopting a strobe effect. The new one is fancy - super thin and it even does wifi. Hope it's worth the work.

Had black bean spaghetti with tilapia for dinner, with a salad and cinnamon tea. It was sufficiently spooky looking that I pretty much had to read Winter Tide over dinner. That book sucked me right back in. It's all that I love about Lovecraft's worlds without the racist or sexist parts. My only disappointment is that it briefly waved a hint of one of my favorite tropes under my nose then pulled it away, but then that's on me for jumping on it.

doesn't feel like only Friday. I miss having more structure.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I've been dreaming a lot recently. I can't recall most of them, just the fleeting impression of images. I wish I could cling to the peace, the stillness of sleepy days. Long, slow days of white-grey skies and rain on glass and the rustling of leaves, wind threading through the open windows. Those days seemed so long when I was long, they are so short now and all I want is for them to last longer. Days for drawing, days for reading, days for listening to music - soft music, with twanging guitars and raw voices.

I miss wind that lasts for weeks, that smooths out the soul.

I'm still tired. I have so much to do, deadline approaching. I don't know what to do.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Last night I dreamed of wind. Strong winds that rock the mountains, but not harsh winds. Early autumn winds, the ones that strip the leaves from the trees. There was no plot or story, no images or people. Just wind and a... absence of homesickness. I felt at home, with the wind. There wasn't really any thought ether, just wind and home.

I did have a fan running, and it was a bit breezy outside, but that's not quite the same thing. I think... I think I miss the familiar rhythm of the seasons - snow, cold, melt, green, rain, wind, snow. It's been 'hot' for so long that I'm ready for the wind and rain. Summer lasts too long here, autumn doesn't last long enough.

My energy ebbs and flows. I'm so tired today. I function, mostly, but there's no gas in the tank. No go.

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Jean T

September 2017

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