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journal : this is... fine
Sep. 25th, 2017 01:45 am In the interest of recording this nonsense, partly due to a nagging feeling that my mood cycles are shortening and if they are I really need evidence in order to track down why and deal with it(as opposed to... the regularly scheduled mental breakdowns. Listen, the bar is really low here okay? so low.)
I've been spending the last... week... two weeks? catching up on everything I missed while in Texas. Or more exactly, scrolling through blogs, skimming posts, and bookmarking the ones I want to actually read later. I've yet to find a happy place for my 'inbox' in my current social media setup. Anyway today I finally cleared step one of the backlog, and midway through I switched to laying on the loveseat downstairs and almost at once it felt like a hand was squeezing my heart, and it was a struggle to draw in breath. So i'm lying there thinking 'this is concerning. should i mention something? maybe i'm dying. if i died mom wouldn't have to pay the credit card bill. but no, this is really concerning...' then it just hit me, that yeah i've felt this before, and what it is is raging anxiety. and terribly, my first impulse(that I ignored) was to have another cup of coffee. instead i made myself take a warm shower, which only helped a bit. during my shower i played music on the ipad, and i swear my heart seized every time the volume dipped because of an incoming notification(which 90% of those are from a nearby pokemon go spawn-watching bot, SO YEAH.) to be fair, i've got a lot to be anxious about. having-to-move, no-food, surrounded-by-shitty-people levels of problems.
this of course comes on the heels of a severe depression low. i cried all the way home from st. cloud on my birthday, but it was just sort of a crummy day and i felt like shit which made the minor-crumminess so much worse. i've been more or less in that place since i got back. it's like... reality gets put on hold while traveling. ya don't have to deal with things. i wish i didn't have to deal, didn't have to live with all of the red alerts going off near constantly.
I've been spending the last... week... two weeks? catching up on everything I missed while in Texas. Or more exactly, scrolling through blogs, skimming posts, and bookmarking the ones I want to actually read later. I've yet to find a happy place for my 'inbox' in my current social media setup. Anyway today I finally cleared step one of the backlog, and midway through I switched to laying on the loveseat downstairs and almost at once it felt like a hand was squeezing my heart, and it was a struggle to draw in breath. So i'm lying there thinking 'this is concerning. should i mention something? maybe i'm dying. if i died mom wouldn't have to pay the credit card bill. but no, this is really concerning...' then it just hit me, that yeah i've felt this before, and what it is is raging anxiety. and terribly, my first impulse(that I ignored) was to have another cup of coffee. instead i made myself take a warm shower, which only helped a bit. during my shower i played music on the ipad, and i swear my heart seized every time the volume dipped because of an incoming notification(which 90% of those are from a nearby pokemon go spawn-watching bot, SO YEAH.) to be fair, i've got a lot to be anxious about. having-to-move, no-food, surrounded-by-shitty-people levels of problems.
this of course comes on the heels of a severe depression low. i cried all the way home from st. cloud on my birthday, but it was just sort of a crummy day and i felt like shit which made the minor-crumminess so much worse. i've been more or less in that place since i got back. it's like... reality gets put on hold while traveling. ya don't have to deal with things. i wish i didn't have to deal, didn't have to live with all of the red alerts going off near constantly.
