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Journal : not worthwhile?
May. 1st, 2016 01:16 pmI just need to get this out, because it's crushing me - it feels like acid in my throat.
My entire life I've struggled to hold 'normal' conversations. Every time I put aside my phone/notebook/etc and look at the person I'm talking with it's a very deliberate act. Every single time. I'm not perfect, but I try really hard and rarely am I ever truly not engaging with the conversation.
To be frank, since I moved I've had no one except my mom to interact with in meatspace. Everyone else is mom's friend first, and I'm just the tagalong. 'Don't you have a sister?' you might ask. Well, the last time I opened my door to go down to the bathroom she screamed 'fuck you you whore bitch!' at me so... yeah. About 99% of my meatspace conversations are with my mom.
So it really hurts that lately she's been completely ignoring me. We have breakfast together, because our schedules just line up that way, so it's an hour or so in the morning. During that time she never looks away from her phone, answers only with 'ahuh'(which is her default 'I'm pretending to listen but I'm not' sound), and several times now she's just started watching a video while I was already playing one or in the middle of me speaking.
Like, once or twice everyone has off days? That's fine. But repeatedly all I hear is 'ahuh' or 'I wasn't listening' or 'I don't care'. Every day, except the days I don't say anything at all. It's just... debilitating. It feels like I'm being told I'm not worth listening to, that I don't have anything worthwhile to say or that the things that matter to me don't matter.
And I'm still trying so hard. I'm... angry, I guess? Angry that I don't get even a little bit of the same courtesy back. Frustrated that I can feel my conversation skills getting worse by the day. How am I supposed to have any confidence as a writer? In my ability to engaging an audience, or that anything I have to say is worth saying?
My entire life I've struggled to hold 'normal' conversations. Every time I put aside my phone/notebook/etc and look at the person I'm talking with it's a very deliberate act. Every single time. I'm not perfect, but I try really hard and rarely am I ever truly not engaging with the conversation.
To be frank, since I moved I've had no one except my mom to interact with in meatspace. Everyone else is mom's friend first, and I'm just the tagalong. 'Don't you have a sister?' you might ask. Well, the last time I opened my door to go down to the bathroom she screamed 'fuck you you whore bitch!' at me so... yeah. About 99% of my meatspace conversations are with my mom.
So it really hurts that lately she's been completely ignoring me. We have breakfast together, because our schedules just line up that way, so it's an hour or so in the morning. During that time she never looks away from her phone, answers only with 'ahuh'(which is her default 'I'm pretending to listen but I'm not' sound), and several times now she's just started watching a video while I was already playing one or in the middle of me speaking.
Like, once or twice everyone has off days? That's fine. But repeatedly all I hear is 'ahuh' or 'I wasn't listening' or 'I don't care'. Every day, except the days I don't say anything at all. It's just... debilitating. It feels like I'm being told I'm not worth listening to, that I don't have anything worthwhile to say or that the things that matter to me don't matter.
And I'm still trying so hard. I'm... angry, I guess? Angry that I don't get even a little bit of the same courtesy back. Frustrated that I can feel my conversation skills getting worse by the day. How am I supposed to have any confidence as a writer? In my ability to engaging an audience, or that anything I have to say is worth saying?
