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The trees are in their autumn beauty,
The woodland paths are dry,
Under the October twilight the water
Mirrors a still sky;
Upon the brimming water among the stones
Are nine-and-fifty swans.
- The Wild Swans at Coole

This has been a bustling twentyfour hours for animals for me. It started last night, when there came a strange sound from the back yard - an unearthly shriek that came in short, uneven bursts. It was startling and loud, as I had both my windows open to bring in the fresh cool autumn air. We looked but didn't see anything, until I stepped outside and a fox came trotting into the pool of light. Redish grey, it paused and looked at me - eyes shining in the darkness. A second pair shined from outside the light, and a third form moved just out of light's reach. I remembered then, the stories about the sounds foxes make. What does the fox say indeed. if the three of foxes was a card, what would the meaning be?

Then today, it's Michaelmas - some things are too ingrained. We took a drive up to Savannah Portage State Park. On the way there I saw a bald eagle. It launched from its perch and swooped low over the moving cars, black and white, too fast for my camera. At the park we were greeted by a lone deer, who grazed casually by the road, her ears neatly fringed with black. A little ways on we stay two more, and later on saw two more - one obviously nearly still a fawn. We visited Loon Lake first, and say the splashes made by the trout, and trees hewn by beavers, and saw a lanky red squirrel. Then we went over to Wolf Lake, where I saw another bald eagle, swooping across the lake, and another little red squirrel posed for pictures. We saw too, at a distance, the gleaming swans swimming on the lake. Then I hiked out to the overlook for the continental divide, where the water breaks west to the Mississippi river, and east to Lake Superior. Away from people, dodging muddy ruts, surrounded by trees - I was almost home, almost a certain kind of peace. Saw a camping shelter that had been hit hard by the storms last year and still lay in partial ruins like a witch's hut, and saw the swans in flight over the lake from a distance. A chipmunk crossed our trail on the way back to the car.

Mayb is hilarious ill equipped to deal with being in nature, for all of her boasting. Talked with mom about what it's like to have severe, all the time depression - not entirely sure if she gets it, but she's trying to. She's had it in short bouts, and for her it's something that ends and never gets that severe to begin with. I get the sense she'd rather I be diabetic because it's easier for her to understand and solve, and maybe some of my problems are insulin resistance - goodness knows I tick a lot of other boxes for PCOS, and that's one. I have an appointment for November and I hope I survive. I haven't been sleeping great recently because of my back hurting, which has been getting in the way of riding in the car too, and I deeply suspect one of my front teeth is infected. Meanwhile, every other aspect of my life seems to be falling down around our ears. I feel so trapped because I feel like I could do something, I could fight this downward slide, if I just... could.

depression is lungs full of black sludge. it's moving, thinking, feeling, through that sludge. it's a dark and loud room, and a world where colors don't seem real and who am I? am the i really who I think I am, or is this it? is this all there really is, nothing more? just emptiness and pain, for decades and decades until i die? depression is a voice that speaks lies without purpose.

We had pizza for dinner. Might go to the library book sale tomorrow, though it's so... deflating. Defeating. I always feel worse after going, and come away with no books. It was so windy tonight, and the stars so clear. I saw Orion two nights back, though it's so hard to spot among the myriad stars. Winter is coming, and I miss... part of me still lives in my last real NaNo, the world of stars and snow and swirling patterns.  I miss NaNoWriMo. I didn't actually do it last year, and the vacancy aches. I'll try again, but it's not the same alone. The loneliness is the worst of it.

music rec : the album Song Spells, No.1: Cedarsmoke by Sea Wolf.
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 In the interest of recording this nonsense, partly due to a nagging feeling that my mood cycles are shortening and if they are I really need evidence in order to track down why and deal with it(as opposed to... the regularly scheduled mental breakdowns. Listen, the bar is really low here okay? so low.)

I've been spending the last... week... two weeks? catching up on everything I missed while in Texas. Or more exactly, scrolling through blogs, skimming posts, and bookmarking the ones I want to actually read later. I've yet to find a happy place for my 'inbox' in my current social media setup. Anyway today I finally cleared step one of the backlog, and midway through I switched to laying on the loveseat downstairs and almost at once it felt like a hand was squeezing my heart, and it was a struggle to draw in breath. So i'm lying there thinking 'this is concerning. should i mention something? maybe i'm dying. if i died mom wouldn't have to pay the credit card bill. but no, this is really concerning...' then it just hit me, that yeah i've felt this before, and what it is is raging anxiety. and terribly, my first impulse(that I ignored) was to have another cup of coffee. instead i made myself take a warm shower, which only helped a bit. during my shower i played music on the ipad, and i swear my heart seized every time the volume dipped because of an incoming notification(which 90% of those are from a nearby pokemon go spawn-watching bot, SO YEAH.) to be fair, i've got a lot to be anxious about. having-to-move, no-food, surrounded-by-shitty-people levels of problems.

this of course comes on the heels of a severe depression low. i cried all the way home from st. cloud on my birthday, but it was just sort of a crummy day and i felt like shit which made the minor-crumminess so much worse. i've been more or less in that place since i got back. it's like... reality gets put on hold while traveling. ya don't have to deal with things. i wish i didn't have to deal, didn't have to live with all of the red alerts going off near constantly.
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 SHOCK. I finished another anime, entirely in one week! My Hero Academia. I clicked 'play' because I've been feeling creatively drained since I finished a short story a week or so ago, and in the past consuming stories did the trick. and Heroaca? Has a dub. That helped immensely - my bad brain didn't have to focus on the words, I could look away from the screen and do other things while I watched. I've lost my knack for following japanese without subtitles. Anyho, Heroaca is just plain fun with an armature of real emotional beats. Shounen has perfected the optimistic hero by making him doubt, and it's nice to see the no-nonsense pacing of Attack on Titan applied to something with a more solid story.  Heroaca is also the closest I've seen any Shounen anime come to directly addressing disability as a main theme. I got sucked in immediately, and the first season flew by. I think I'll wait for the dub of season two to be out on hulu before I continue, though I'd love to jump in. I should only have to wait about a month though?

I'd like to watch another anime, but the combo of new, short, and dubbed seems to be pretty rare.

Lately I've been coming to terms with the need to downsize. It's hard to imagine downsizing enough to actually matter, but it still needs to be done. This week I ended up doing a bit of organization in my closet, which is where all my books are. It's a surprisingly soothing place, because it's cool-ish, dark, and smells of books. There was something lifting about pulling out books, with the knowledge that while they may be good books I'm not going to reread them and I don't need to carry them with me. To literally set aside the weight of them, and narrow down to what serves me, what matters to me. There are some that will be harder - I've a new complete set of Redwall books that I don't need, but Redwall is nestled close to my heart from long warm summers tinged with smoke. A safe place were things work out no matter how dark it got, full of food. The shelves of manga; and worse - the books unread. They are things of potential, that could hold life-shaking revelations. My next favorite could be hidden there, but wow there are so many unread. I wish I'd caught on sooner that I was struggling with reading. Some books though, I think I have homes for them.

In there I did end up reading Carol Bly's Letters from the Country. It's... bizarrely timely, with it's calls for impeaching a corrupt president and standing up for art and education and not holding back; and wow nothing has changed in 50-odd years. Rural Minnesota has all the same unpleasant traits it did then. It's a bit vindicating that no, I'm really not imagining how awful bits of this are.

I've been keeping on eye on the larger weather picture, as I do. I do miss having the weather channels to keep a constant feed in the background of my life. In other news, guess who just happens to be headed to Texas in a couple days, for completely non-weather reasons? Mmmhmmmm. No dogs on this roadtrip sadly. I wish I could take Chai, I'll miss him - I worry about my old boy. It's gonna be a long couple of weeks.
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But when I lifted up my head
 From shadows shaken on the snow,
I saw Orion in the east
 Burn steadily as long ago. 
 
 
- Winter Stars

That bit there fill me with a certain kind of homesickness. I found that poem among my temp bookmarks. Orion heralds the coming winter, the changing of season. standing at the end of the end of the driveway, looking up, when the scant midnight traffic lulls, the stars are almost overwhelming. the waves beat heavily, the dock lights shimmer. The weather has turned to cool air, a heavy wind blows. The pressing heat of summer just a memory, and the edge of green is going off the leaves as they begin to turn. For years my mom insisted it was just a single sick tree, though that conflicted with all the evidence I had. That sort of low-key denial/gaslighting has been a staple of my entire life. Is it any wonder I struggle with having confidence in my own knowledge?

Orion is special to me. August rains hid the transition from light to darkness, until they cleared in September's brisk winds and the stars returned. Orion being the first, most obvious constellation, dominating the western sky outside my bedroom window. My last sight as I'd drift asleep, framed by tattered trees and deepening blue. That's a piece of home, from back when I didn't need my glasses to see it. Tied up with folk songs, and the sharp smell of currants and gooseberries. The gunpowder, cinnamon sugar, and barn smell of the fair. I miss the fair, undivorcably tied to rainy August days as it is in my blood. 
 
i regret not keeping up with journaling the last few years, of not having a record of what's happened and how i feel. though in its way the lack of record is the record - it's defined by its absence.

A good article that really hits a lot of what I miss - In Celebration of Old-School LiveJournal
This comment is also super relevant.

8tracks playlist of the week - You intolerable lunatic
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On monday, well late sunday night, we packed up the car and drove out to Nebraska to see the Eclipse. It was half planned, half seat-of-the-pants adventure. We took four of the five dogs - Tobi got to stay with Grandma, because he gets carsick. It was a crowded car, but all the dogs seemed to do alright. We napped at rest stops, got coffee at mcd's. Saw a lot of corn, and a lot of cows - the truly American experience. Though I tell you you can feel the difference between the areas were cows are the point and the corn is to support them, and the areas were the corn is the point and the cows are secondary. It's something is the logic of the roads and the railways.

Where flat-farm-Minnesota does nothing for me, I can see the appeal of the austere beauty of South Dakota. I can't quite put mt finger on what flat-farm-Minnesota lacks, though the wild turbines do a lot to improve it. lakes-and-woods-Minnesota is better, but still plagued by flatness. open skies leave me hollow. Crossing into Nebraska was... shocking. I was no prepared for beautiful rolling hills, a deep valleys and winding rivers. A landscape of surprises and desperate joy. I miss mountains as I'd miss a limb.

We ended up on the outskirts of Grand Island for the eclipse itself, pulling into a semitruck gas station and joining a line up of vehicles from all over. The semitrucks driving past honked cheerfully at the crowd. We had a perfect clear view for the totality. It's hard to describe how the light... dimmed, in the hours leading up to it. Like the different between a regular sky and one layered with a wildfire film, but without the red shifting. When it happened it was sunset without darkness, without the pink and orange. The streetlights came on, and while we were focused on the sky the pumps had filled up with trucks and all their automatic lights came on. There was something magic, otherworldly, about that fragile twilight.

 

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the eclipse itself was... was... shattering. humbling, existential. The world drops away, the celestials dance, and the scope of the universe unfolds. For 2 minutes and change, all is finite and eternal. The sky indigo darkness, lit by silver-crowned new moon. There's no traffic, as the near-world has come to breath-held stillness. My pictures of it are not nearly as interesting as others I've seen.

 

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Then it was over. The trucks roared to life and pulled away, our visit to fey lands over and it was time to find a McD's for some nuggets. We got back on the road right away, though we went straight north instead of backtracking northeast - to see more of the country, adding a couple hours and a few hundred miles onto our trip due to a sort of 'why not' impulse to go see Dignity. We made it to the Chamberlain rest stop right at sunset, which gave us the opportunity to see in in that shadowy eclipse-light, last rays warming the steel-silver, all lit up front and back. It was breath taking, made colossal by the steep river valley behind it. Art feeds the soul.

 

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We slept there that night. Mostly slept - Chai had an upset tummy all night, and none of us could lay our seats all the way back. But we got rested enough to head out mid morning the next day. Back across South Dakota, through Sioux Falls, and up through the twisting back roads of Minnesota to home. I would like to go back to South Dakota someday, to see more of the black hills, and back to Nebraska too. I would also like to explore Granite Falls some time. Other things we saw - the corn palace in Mitchell(...Seanan is right...), and a park dedicated to the designer of the Higgins boats in Columbus. We got home roughly the time we left, late at night. Who knows if we could have really afforded that trip, but it was worth it.

 

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 I finally finished Yuri on Ice yesterday*. (*Thursday) Yeah I know it's taken me forever and I have no excuse except bad braining. The Bad Brain has been throwing up a lot of barriers the last few years, and focusing on... anything... is difficult. So, 12 episodes? The most I've watched of anything/finished in a long while. Well, I guess I watched Star Trek Beyond awhile back, but I couldn't focus on it and I need to see it again because what I did saw I really enjoyed.
 
Focus is a moving target.
 
Anyway. Before starting YOI I thought it had to be like 24 episodes long, judging by the heaps of discussions, available plot summaries, and wide variety of image sets. That it's only 12 episodes was a bit of the shock, though I'm not going to complain that it didn't take as long to watch lol. That 12 episodes there - that's probably the show's biggest, if maybe only real, flaw. The pacing HUSTLES, and it uneven as heck because it's trying to do ALL THE THINGS but were only greenlit for maybe a quarter of the things. I can respect the ambitiousness of it, because it isn't as grating the way other things that are fast paced but lacking all the underpinning support structure are.
 
It's also somewhat hilarious that any anime fan could have been blindsided by the relationship - in some ways YoI is more akin to classic fantasy adventure anime(at least the line between YoI and Utena is straighter then the main characters) then sports anime. (Honestly I could use a touch MORE sports - I still really 'get' how the scoring works*?) (*this is not an invite to explain it to me.) It goes right through to the ending - I've also seen mutterings about how vague a certain part is, but honestly? Dancing around declarations of love is pretty standard for anime romances - 'until i retire/never retire' is pretty damn direct if you ask me. At least no more ambiguous then 'I felt I could become a normal swordsman' DEAR GOD why do I watch this medium again?
 
Okay to summarize - Yuri on Ice is delightful, entertaining, shorter-then-expected, and one of those super accessible anime(is the dub out yet?) with a handful of problems that all come down to shooting for the moon but landing in the stars. May the second season have the room it needs.
 
 
We have a sort of plan to head down to Nebraska on Monday, to see the eclipse. Fingers crossed it all goes well.
 
8tracks playlist of the week : lathbora viran ; https://8tracks.com/seheron/lathbora-viran
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I got thinkin' about that 'everything in hawaii at noon is a bad video game render' tumblr post, and you know? i wish move video games actually looked like that, in the sense of... hmm, geo position diversity? Having places where there AREN'T shadows at noon, or locations where the sun doesn't completely set at night, where that was a deliberate part of the setting. What a sense of distance it would have created, for Hyrule's Akkala to never experience true darkness or linger in darkness for 90% of the day? If noon in the Gerudo desert had meant a near complete lack of shadows? Or Thedas! Somewhere north of Seheron and the Anderfels is a land without shadows, and south of the Kocari Wilds is a dark of ceaseless darkness and endless light. (midnight sun with two moons would be a pretty badass setting; what would the elves there be like? does the border of the veil shimmer in the air like the northern lights?)

My head hurts just thinking about the coding an open world game would need to pull that off. But honestly there's no reason why something along the lines of a Final Fantasy or a Dark Souls couldn't do that, they already have in limited ways. Heck, the load times in Dragon Age are long enough. 

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It's a lovely, soft rainy day. I slept well enough - still having trouble accepting that I do need to go to bed at night. Having responsibilities sucks. I want to stay up all night reading and let someone else handle the mornings. Lately it's felt like all the thoughts are happening in my brain all at once and it's hard to focus on just one to get it out.

I received Down Among The Sticks And Bones on Friday, and I'm so excited. Every Heart A Doorway is... everything. DAtSaB doesn't have to be everything, it just being is enough. But I'm putting off reading it a bit, because I want to clean out my brain some. I also found my misplaced copy of Steering The Craft, which is one of those truly great books on writing. Which is... I've hit this point, where a lot of writing advice just isn't helpful. I may not have gone anywhere career-wise, but in writing theory it feels like I'm well beyond that entry level journeyman advice. So things like Steering the Craft, Get To Work Hurley, Wonderbook, and the occasional twitter thread are precious. You know now that I write that I see how it times in - how the need for more higher level craft insights has driven me to meta, lore, and analysis. The ruthless breaking down of stories, laser focused cause and effect. And let me tell you, Dark Souls and it's relatives are a GOLDMINE for that. I could speculate that it had something to do with how we have to dig for basically ALL the story in the Souls games, but nah.

So yeah, it goes like this: long form Dark Souls lore/analysis videos are great to play to fall asleep - yo Bloodborne is just as good/even better! - ongoing Themes of cosmic horror in my life(if Cthulhu himself arose out of the lake I'd be like 'sure fine it's just another Tuesday around here') - tumblr memes - oh hey this one book is really awesome(EVERYONE READ WINTER TIDE OKAY?!) - I kinda want to write in this vein - ...might as well read Lovecraft now.

I haven't actually, not in any focused way, and I've just been in that mood for awhile so why not? His stuff is fairly short and readable surprisingly. I think there might be a lesson in there, about about how his mythos as he wrote it wasn't that well suited to longer forms, as well as how to craft short stories. And I mean, he was so good at harnessing readers' imaginations that his works seem so much more then they actually are? (Hardly anyone talks about the craft aspect, which is interesting. And well, standard disclaimer here about how he was an actual trainwreck, but that's not what I'm here for today.) (I read something recently about how he encouraged others to take his mythos and run? There are conflicting reports, but I am Intrigued.)

The thing about actually reading Lovecraft's stories is while I am aware that the narrative is pushing me to be repulsed, disgusted, etc, what I actually feel for the characters is sympathy. To use The Dunwich Horror as an example, since it's the freshest in my mind - I can't find it in myself to be unsettled by a disabled woman and her eccentric farmer father? or the woman's heavily autistic-coded son? Ultimately the 'spooky/scary other' falls completely flat for me, doing so so much as to upset the entire tea cart of the story. It's a bit of a quirk of the writing style, that the bigotry can be attributed wholly to the narrator(something that is not helped, confusingly enough, by the Wilbur being a self insert. wtf lovecraft.) 

The result of ignoring the narrator's opinions is it then reads as a tragedy of the complications of raising half-human children, and of not fitting the social mold. Our only solid source of for the Whateleys' motivations is the questionable translations of a child's diary. Looking at it that way makes monsters of the stuffy old white men of academia that we're being fed as the heroes. It's kind of amazing that it can so easily be read that way, and explains some of the longevity of Lovecraft's mythos. It's an interesting exercise in itself to view the story through both the lens of the author, and on its own. Death of the author and all that. 

I'm not sure if I got out all my thoughts about this. It's taken a long time to write this entry, due to my brain just being a bad brain in general. I feel like my knowledge and understanding of this whole subject is much less sophisticated then it could be. Here is a link to The Dunwich Horror, in case one might want to read it for themselves.

Addendum: thoughts on the Call of Cthulhu. My audiobook tells me that I've been pronouncing R'lyeh wrong this entire time(audio, btw, is an excellent format for these stories.) My original above thoughts stand, about perspective and how Lovecraft's stories are like prisms, and you can get something totally different with how you turn it. It was a bit amusing that it seemed like he was deliberately padding for wordcount by repeating plot points over and over again, and I got the impression that he didn't really know meanings of all of the big words he used - I wonder how many readers do? "an angle which was acute, but behaved as if it were obtuse." is still objectively hilarious.

Sort of confluence of all this is a story idea, something I'm pondering for an attempt at July's Camp Nano. It's definitely more of a gothic story, the cosmic horror stuff got mushed in there because *gestures upwards* I don't brain good in the summer though, and camp nanos have never gone well for me, on top of potential business, so we'll see if it happens.

8tracks playlist of the week - sounds nice in stormy weather and "It was so dark that it was even hard to hear"
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It's a hard thing to explain, but it feels good to journal again. Even though it feels like useless... hmm. useless baring of self. certainly, it has no purpose. idk.

Tired, sore. Stayed up late-ish last night to watch American Gods, got up early today to see mom off on her road trip to the west coast. Haven't slept well lately in general, and I just hurt all over for no good reason and moving about is a challenge. Looking forward to about two weeks of managing everything on my own.

Yesterday was for shopping. I missed the live E3 coverage, but I guess all I missed was getting attached to a really nice looking game before we all found out the creator is actual trash? Also I guess more on the new Bioware game? I'll have to check it out. I'm not focusing well on today's livestreams either - I've got a lot of catching up to do. Did watch EA's - eh? Honestly I'm not invested in anything. A Way Out has potential for neat use of mechanics. I like seeing developers making use of the medium. That dress though, totally stole the show. Look at the shwoosh! Star Wars games though... they just make me miss Factor 5 and Rogue Squadron.

Rec: Get To Work Hurley, Kameron Hurley's podcast, is excellent. If you can it's super worth it to get her behind-the-scenes videos on patreon too. Solid writing advice all around.
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It's hot - 85 inside, gods knows what outside and I'm not even going to look humidity. All I know is I'm miserable inside, it's worse outside, and we can't afford to turn on the AC. There's no breeze either. At least it's too hot for bonfires... for now.

I made iced coffee this morning. First attempt - too much cream. Attempts will continue.

I almost forgot E3 was this weekend. I find it comforting to sink into the hype for a bit, to wrap up in the slick press conferences and streamed discussions. Makes it easy to forget for a moment that I won't ever play the vast majority of the games. In another life I actually became a gaming journalist.

So this week I had a... revelation. Walking two senior dogs three+ times a day, you end up with a fair amount of time to think while you wait for them to remember to tend to their business, and the thought that came to me was this - I wonder if growing up with an extended family for whom nothing was good enough has ANYTHING to do with why I have so much trouble interacting with online communities. Ya suppose? It's one of those things, being able to look back and say 'that was a really unfair way to treat a child'. Nothing like being held to a high standard by narcissists. I mean that's not the sole reason I treat social interaction of all kinds like hot iron, but it's probably one of the building blocks.

I try not to think about how posting this is technically interacting on a social network. If I did I'd basically have to never touch the internet ever. (Oh hey, a reason I occasionally disappear!)

8tracks playlist of the week : Take my soul
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Uuuugh. Just ugh. I thought I was sick when I woke up on Saturday -
all my blankets were tossed aside, I couldn't breath and felt clammy all over. Wasn't sick - the weather had just decided it was time to be HOT and HUMID. For one wonderful week we had perfect warm weather and I fucking FORGOT that I currently live in MINNESOTA. I hate humidity, I just hate it - I hate being damp, I hate how it makes the heat so much, much worse. I hate not sleeping well, not breathing... Even Chai fussed at me about it, sat next to my desk and gave me the huge puppydog eyes, because once again my room has the least controlled climate in the house. At least I'm not alone in being miserable.

Admittedly it was less awful today, but doubly miserable because yesterday we went to dinner with my grandma and I guess I forgot about what happens when you have a solid meal after eating the bare minimum for so long. Had a hard time sleeping last night due to stomach cramps, and they're still there tonight. We'll probably have to cut back farther, so I just need to be more careful.

Time is being slippery today. So much to do and it's all so hard to keep track of.
anindigomind: a headshot of a red australian cattle dog looking unimpressed (Chai)
we found out this morning that my mom's close friend Deb, Chai and Rita's human grandma, passed away last night. It was... sudden and utterly unexpected. It still hasn't completely sunk in - feels like any moment they'll call and say there's been some sort of mix up, because how could Deb possibly be gone? She and mom were in the middle of a project, mom had plans to stay with her for several months this year, there was talk of her coming to visit... and suddenly none of that is happening? Who are we supposed to talk to about this? There was none better a friend then Deb.

Her dog is in good hands. Elle continues to be probably the best cared for acd in the country.

Just... dear friends, take care of yourselves. Don't put things off, especially your health.
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i'd like to write something with deserts, wastelands of apocalypses long removed. dry and hot and deadly, and a sky so open it hurts.

i'd like to write something overflowing with flowers; purples and pinks and a riot of scents, glittering dragonfly wings. honey and good soil.

i'd like to write something with coffee dark and creamy as oil, dancers lost in skirts and jewels and mosaic tiles, and smoky rooms worn out cards.

i'd like to write something about streetlights at night, and the sunset a slice of brilliant orange-gold at the horizon while dark clouds stretch overhead. Rain on windshields, the soft switch-switch of the wipers. Power lines and empty highways.

i'd like to write about old radios that play songs from the stars, ethereal and comforting in their strangeness. space ship crews singing songs best described as folk meets vaporwave.

i'd like to write about immigrants and prospectors outracing technology and the sky and land and the animals keep getting bigger and bigger the farther you go. wanderers and towns with their own strict moral codes.

i'd like to write about a lot of things. but where are the characters? the plots, the stories? setting isn't story, but that's all i have. Any time i've tried to construct characters deliberately they've... distorted the worlds, muddied their shapes. So does attempting to link the spaces together. the characters and bridges have to come naturally, or it all collapses, and i'm so tired of that. of not being the machine other writers seem to be, of not being able to just force it to happen. of writing hurting.

testing

May. 24th, 2017 04:10 pm
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testing out cross posting, nothing overly important to see here.
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We had a thunderstorm last night. Thunder rolled directly overhead, roaring and growling in long drawn out songs.

Yesterday was rough - I woke up with pain and low energy and a long to do list. I slept badly due to the strong urine smell, which meant priority #1 was cleaning the carpet, which meant I had to vacuum first. Cleaning the room of course equals taking a shower, which I'd previously promised I'd wash Belle the next time I took a shower. Add in needing to change a headlight on the car...

I fell asleep as soon as I laid down. I still remember listening to the thunder, though I'm not sure if it woke me up completely or I just came up to a lucid state. It was strangely soothing, comforting...

The air smells great today - ozone and rain and sap, the trees have started to green up the last couple of days. Finally. The soil must be colder by the lake, or maybe it's the wetness. Unfortunately it's tipped over to hot and humid and all that's yucky.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
The air outside was warm today. It smells of rain and sap, the verge of summer. Woke earlier to the hum of a mower and drifted in sleep for a few hours, until ups delivered our new tv - the old one, the one I got from a friend, finally decided to die properly by adopting a strobe effect. The new one is fancy - super thin and it even does wifi. Hope it's worth the work.

Had black bean spaghetti with tilapia for dinner, with a salad and cinnamon tea. It was sufficiently spooky looking that I pretty much had to read Winter Tide over dinner. That book sucked me right back in. It's all that I love about Lovecraft's worlds without the racist or sexist parts. My only disappointment is that it briefly waved a hint of one of my favorite tropes under my nose then pulled it away, but then that's on me for jumping on it.

doesn't feel like only Friday. I miss having more structure.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Twilight Princess)
I just. aaaaaaaaargh.

I'm writing, I'm trying to write at least. And the story I'm working on is just... frustrating me, in a way that's hard to explain. A sort of meta-doubt, about my responsibility as an author and if I have the skills for this damn idea at all.

To explain, the novel I'm working on is one I've referenced before as my 'bluebeard story', but referencing bluebeard is a... bit of an obfuscation. It's a BatB story, a girl-lives-with-wizard story. I call it the bluebeard story because it starts with a horror mystery - who is this wizard she's found herself with? is he as trustworthy as he seems? what about the Strange Rumors? and because well, aren't relationships all a bit horrorifying, even the good ones? (especially relationships with beings that can command Powers Beyond Comprehension? what's the difference between magic and money?)

It started out way more bluebeard then it is now - I didn't mean to write it as a romance, but honestly that's my Thing and I couldn't help it. (The last few years for me have been all about Accepting Your Thing and rolling with it. I highly recommend it - more id writing for everyone!) I figure that's alright, but now I'm having trouble fitting in elements from the original story - the bluebeard red herring stuff, that I feel like make this thing unique. I'm falling into this sea of Doubt - is this story pure hubris? do i have the skills to transition from horror to romance? does ANYONE?! I'm trying to make one character a Decent Person and a Credible Threat at the same time, and omg it just hit me that I probably need to read more gothic romances. Anybody have any recs for Modern Feminist Gothic Romances? except 'gothic' isn't the feel I want to reach for. am I just trying to force into place puzzle pieces that just don't belong here at all? I guess the only way to know for sure is to finish it and hand it off to someone else, and oh jeez do I miss my in-person writing group.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Darcy)
I... wow. What is there to say? I've been on LJ so long, it's meant so much to me and I still enjoy the format a lot. But wow. World events suck.

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anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
My hair seems thin lately. I know where to find the stray white hairs. My age isn't that much, but time definitely weighs on me. Summer is coming - gasping hot days, strangling dark nights. Missing the midnight sun is a constant ache, akin the one in my joints. It's so dark here, all year round, and I don't know how anyone can stand it. How can one look at the stars when it's too hot to breath, amid insects crawling and biting?

This place might kill me. It might turning me sour first. Everyone I've met here is so closed in their ways, so sure that things are someone else's fault(usually minorities.) No one reaches beyond themselves to see beauty in the world. The rule of here is tall daisies get cut down(and it's a bit baffling to watch companies that operate on 'squeaky wheel gets the grease' interact with the locals.) and I just want to scream 'YOUR PROBLEMS WOULD GO AWAY IF YOU GAVE UP THAT TOXIC THINKING.' I struggle to stay optimistic, to believe in the goodness of the world and humanity. To not fall completely into bitterness and the same closed mindedness. I feel like I'm failing.

Also, fuck Fox News in general.

The dogs are aging out from under me, it feels like. Chai jumped for a toy earlier this week and did... something to himself. He limped from a bit from his front, and still can't land properly jumping off the bed(which he insists on throwing himself off of multiple times a night) and is having trouble going up and down stairs. Yesterday he refused to eat breakfast.

Yesterday Sofi had a stroke or a seizure or something of that nature. She's having trouble finding her away around the house, or recognizing things, people, patterns - something's definitely sideways with her processing, even today though she appears to be recovering a bit. Or at least coping better.

Today Rita has a sort of a muscle tick in a back leg. I hope it doesn't mean she had a seizure last night, or is going to have one today.

Tobi is alright, I guess. Still haven't solved his panic with being in a crate - he pulled apart a wire crate earlier this week, the third he's done that too, on top of the airline kennel he wrecked last winter.

Belle, for the sake of mentioning her, is a very good girl. She did figure out how to open the front door, but she did come right to me without fuss. I can't imagine what it's like to be her and have all available examples of one's own species just... falling apart all at once. I hope she doesn't pick up any bad behaviors.

I'm so tired. There's not enough sleep in the world.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
I just can't handle world events lately. It's bizarre and surreal and so very, very frightening. The sort of terror that I know, even when someday this is all long in the past, I'll still feel it.

Chai had an old dog day today. He was standoff-ish last night, clingy before wake up this morning, and threw up at breakfast. I'm so glad we have a big porch now, that can be closed off so he could safely lay outside in the sunlight. We trained him too well to go outside when he's feeling ill, that when he couldn't at the last house it stressed him out and made him sicker.

He recovered. He's fine, but it's disquieting to be so reminded that he is aging. At 12 he's an old dog by any measure. I'm not ready for that.

The icy is going out, day by day. It's been sunny and warm. There were loons and ducks and geese on the lake today. Already I miss the ice and snow.

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