anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
What kind of life is it, I wonder, to mark time by how long one's survived. Another year, half a year, another day - let's see if we can break the record, survive one just - just one more. Survival... isn't living. It's surviving. It rings us dry, and fills our hours.

I keep dreaming of dry-warm summer afternoons, stretching in the sun like a cat upon a quilt and a book balanced before my eyes. Yellowed library books, their plastic covers brittle and cracking, and sunsets stained red by wildfire smoke. Wind howling down from the mountains, the smell of fireweed and the bitter taste of currants on my lips, read smeared across my face. Frost on the windows, smoky tea and warm oatmeal with buttered sourdough toast. White cloud skies, blankets, and cozy dogs. Fat fluffy snowflakes drifting down outside the mexican restaurant's wide windows. Fresh tacos, and words written.

I am told I'm looking for a quick fix, but I don't think I am? I want a flotation device - something to hold on to, to pull my head above water so I can breath. I think I could make it back to shore on my own, if I had that. I've made it so far on my own. Aren't they the ones, looking for a quick fix? Just take this vitamin, do this exercise, suck it up and stop wallowing in self pity and everything will be alright again? I got you a smoothie this week, why are you sad, lonely, angry? I hate the thing you love, so let's do the thing I love and you hate.

So no, I'll stay home and try to find a reason to tick another day off the calendar. Maybe someday I'll live again. Maybe this is all there is, day after day. Isn't the mystery exciting? But I don't need to harm myself with toxic company in the meantime.

Food is weird. I don't feel hungry, which... isn't exactly right. More like I just don't feel like eating. There's nothing I want to eat, even though food tastes good - put some in front of me and I'll eat it all. Gorge it down, as if I've been starving this whole time. I don't know what's hunger, and what's emotion eating - bored eating, comfort eating. Emotional eating is awful because it works. For a moment the emptiness goes away. But there's no pleasure in it anymore. Sandbags against a tsunami.

I should answer my messages. Just thinking about them is... a certain kind of exhaustion. It's the... knowledge that it isn't a one off message, but a conversation? I'm thinking of internet free weekends. I'm tired of missing out, of seeing everyone have fun at conventions. I'm tired of being too poor, too tired to do things. And most of all I'm tired of hearing how I've been missed. The line between missed and missed out is thin, and it just hurts to hear over and over how I'm loved and appreciated and oh how good it would be if I was someplace else. Isn't that just the poison?

I hate 4th weekend. I hate the loud, obnoxious music and yelling and the constant smell of smoke and random bangs and crashes. I hate the whining about wanting to sit by a fire next to the lake. I don't understand the appeal of just looking at a lake - it's boring, and mosquito-y. Fire smoke gives me migraines, and panic attacks and nightmares. It clings to my clothes so terribly that they have to go directly into the wash, so I couldn't wear anything that I might want to wear again soon. Maybe if things had been handled differently I wouldn't have this problem, but maybe not. I don't know.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
 flower crown 1
flower crown 2flower crown 3
flower crown 4

I made a thing. Floral wire, floral tape, and four bunches of fake flowers from the dollar store - I followed wikihow’s instructions, but honestly I relied more on crafty instincts honed on a crafty childhood. 

I didn’t use any glue, though I should have - I was being lazy. I didn’t want to fuss around with that part - I just wanted it to come together. The flowers have thus far stayed together, but I might go back and glue them to be more durable. It’s surprisingly light and secure - I put it on and forget about it. It took about three-five hours? I was watching E3 streams so I didn’t really keep track. I used all the flowers I bought, though the final effect is a little over the top? Maybe fewer/smaller flowers next time, maybe some ribbon…

The light was very forgiving outside when I took these pictures. :p

The hard thing is that depression doesn’t stop me from existing, from wanting to create things. Every day lately has been a struggle - this? This is pretty much all I did that day, and while I did this my room went uncleaned. For a moment when I was done I felt happy, accomplished. But people see this and tell me ‘you aren’t really depressed if you can do that, so just be happy!’ and that’s not how it works? But then I don’t feel like sharing because being constantly invalidated is exhausting. But sometimes I have to try anyway? idk.

anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Last night I dreamed of wind. Strong winds that rock the mountains, but not harsh winds. Early autumn winds, the ones that strip the leaves from the trees. There was no plot or story, no images or people. Just wind and a... absence of homesickness. I felt at home, with the wind. There wasn't really any thought ether, just wind and home.

I did have a fan running, and it was a bit breezy outside, but that's not quite the same thing. I think... I think I miss the familiar rhythm of the seasons - snow, cold, melt, green, rain, wind, snow. It's been 'hot' for so long that I'm ready for the wind and rain. Summer lasts too long here, autumn doesn't last long enough.

My energy ebbs and flows. I'm so tired today. I function, mostly, but there's no gas in the tank. No go.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Today needs some sort of special recognition. One of those little 'you tried' gold stars or something. I hesitate to declare it a good day just yet, but....

-got nine hours of uninterrupted sleep
-woke up before the dogs started screaming at me
-actually feel somewhat rested???
-so far it's been a quiet, rainy day

This is the most centered I've felt in weeks, months really, and it's not really centered just... not not-centered. I could use more days like this. I'm hanging on to this feeling and trying not to think about the inevitable crash that'll come later. Yesterday was an absolutely terrible day, the day before was awful too. I've just had a string of bad days in general - I wonder if the St. John's Wort has stopped having an effect? I'm afraid of what it means if it is working. But yeah, today is an alright day. Maybe taking benedryl and ibuprofen before bed is the trick, and the rain kept the dogs quiet. (It's not science unless you write it down, right?)

Now I just have to figure out what to do with the rest of the day, hopefully without it turning sucky.
anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Halloween is crawling to an end and NaNo is looming ahead and I have no words for how tired I am. I am just exhausted and have been all day - got plenty of sleep, eating as well as i ever do, etc. Just... tired. And disappointed in myself because I had nothing in me to enjoy Halloween, my favoritest holiday.

It’s lonely here. My mom asked if I’d be available to hand out candy, like she doesn’t know that I know absolutely no one here and have no where to go. NaNo is going to be lonely too, because the local group sucks. Everyone is still there on the internet, but I miss being able to go places and just existing around other people.

I feel like the answer to 'whats up with you lately' has been nothing but a pity party for awhile now. I hate sounding like a pity party. I just want to enjoy stuff again.


anindigomind: screenshot of true-form Midna from Hyrule Warriors (Default)
Jean T

September 2017



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